How to Ensure Your Marriage Will Get Better with Age
I have been really hesitant to write this post, not only because it is a personal subject, but because I don’t want anyone to think I’m claiming to be a marriage expert. I’m not one, but I just couldn’t shake the feeling that I needed to write this. Finally, I decided that even if this post helped to strengthen just one marriage, it would be worth writing. Every marriage is different, everyone has their own struggles and challenges, and I don’t claim that this is a comprehensive list. It is a sincere attempt at dissecting why my marriage is the best thing in my life, and what it is that makes ours and other marriages successful.
We have been married for twenty-two years. I can’t believe how fast these twenty-two years have gone. It’s crazy how in a
way how fast this time has really gone by. I feel like I have know Daren my whole life. Someone recently shared with me this experience: "Recently we traveled home to
attend Bryce’s little sister’s wedding. One morning all the girls went for a
walk and my MIL asked us if we wished we could go back to being “newlyweds.” I
was shocked at how quickly everyone responded “no way,” including myself.
Although I loved being a newlywed and cherish those memories, I could never
give up the things I have learned in these five short years. We have grown so
much. Overcoming challenges, making decisions together, growing together,
changing together, really getting to know
this amazing man I married, I could never give up what we have learned and
shared. Yes, things change. Bodies change, lifestyles change, children come and
eventually they will go out on their own, but one thing I will always have is
my husband, so here’s to making sure marriage gets better with age."
Don’t keep score. Marriage is not a game. It’s not a contest either. So why are we inclined to keep a mental tally of who is ahead? If you notice yourself checking a mental scoreboard when you do something to benefit your spouse, chances are your heart is not in the right place and you probably aren’t even noticing all the things he does for you and your family.
Learn to communicate well. Men and women are so different (duh) and it
seems like communication is one of the ways these fundamental differences like
to manifest themselves. When we were engaged our ecclesiastical leader strongly
recommended that we take a marriage prep class. I’m so glad we did. When it comes to communicating I always
remember one particular story the instructor told. He and his wife were newly
married and they were driving somewhere in the car. His wife asked him if he
wanted anything to drink. He replied he did not. She responded, inquiring if he
was sure he wasn’t thirsty. He assured her he was fine. She said, “there is a
7-11 right up here on the corner, it would be really easy to stop if you are.”
He said again that he didn’t need a drink, but thanks anyway. When they arrived
at their destination he was shocked to realize that his wife was upset with
him. All she wanted was a drink. The reason I remember this story is because as
comical as it is, I catch myself doing this even after five years. As soon as I
realize what I am doing I force myself to say, “babe, I want a drink, can we
stop?” and amazingly he is always quick to agree. Ah, direct communication.
Everyone’s communication issues are different, but miscommunication causes
fights and tensions that can otherwise be easily eliminated. Try to figure out
what your communication differences are and breach the barriers.
Forgive immediately. My husband is so good at this. I remember
one night saying something so mean to him in a hormonal frenzy and running up
the stairs to our room. I am a proud person, and even though I knew even as the
encounter happened that I was in the wrong, it was still hard to make myself go
downstairs and apologize. I remember getting up my courage and finally going
down. No sooner had a tearful “I’m sorry” escaped my lips than my husband had
swept me up into his arms and told me it was okay, and how much he loved me. I
was ashamed at this moment to realize how often my husband had committed
smaller offenses which I then made him suffer for as he laid out extensive
explanations for his tiny misdeeds. Or, the times when he had sincerely
apologized and I had responded with an indifferent “it’s fine.” I am trying to teach myself to forgive right
away, acknowledging that no one is perfect, and remembering how much I love him
despite any weaknesses. Not to mention how I want him to forgive me mine.
Make the time you have together count. Life is demanding. Sometimes it seems like
there isn’t time in the day to get your chores done, let alone go out on a date
with your spouse. One thing that has really blessed our relationship is that we
have always tried to make the time we do have together worthwhile. For example,
if you are going to watch a show, don’t sit on separate couches while you each
browse your phones during commercials. Hold hands. Talk about what you’re
watching, Talk about anything. Another way we have tried to do this is by
establishing an early bedtime for our son. As soon as my husband gets home he focuses on
our son, giving him his full attention, playing, laughing, teaching, and then
he puts him to bed so that he gets a good amount of quality time with him each
day. It has been such a blessing for us to have a few hours together before we
go to sleep when we are kid-free. I realize everyone’s schedules and demands
are different. Ours have changed several times since we’ve been married, but
the point is to make an effort to spend meaningful
time together.
Pray and read scriptures together. I know that
not everyone is religious and I’m not saying you have to be to make a marriage
work, but I couldn’t leave this out if I am being honest about what strengthens
our relationship. We read our scriptures and pray together every night and I
can’t begin to explain how it has blessed our marriage. For starters, it is
really hard to hold onto a silly grudge or argument as you hold hands and pray
together. To take it deeper though, I can’t explain the love I feel as I hear
my husband plead with God for me and for our children, for strength to keep our
marriage covenants and for solutions to our problems. It is also a time when he
gets to see that I recognize the things he does for our family as I tell my
Heavenly Father about them and express my gratitude for such a loving husband
and family.
Keep the sexual flame alive. Since this is a personal subject I am not
going to go into details, I’ll only say that the physical side of a marriage
not only matters, but is critically important. It always makes me sad to hear
couples joke about how this dies out over time, after kids, etc. It doesn’t
have to (shouldn’t) be that way. I’m not saying things don’t change, I’m simply
saying make the physicality of your relationship a priority.
Don’t ever talk negatively about your spouse
to others, especially your parents. If you and
your spouse are having an issue or disagreement (and we all face them), it
should stay between you. Complaining about your spouse to your mom not only
doesn’t solve anything, but is a breach of trust and sews seeds of worry and
dislike of your spouse in your parents and friends. Write in a journal, talk to
God, talk to your spouse, and sincerely try to deal with the issue on your own.
If you still struggle, consider consulting a councilor or ecclesiastical
leader. Once you’re past the problem, you will be glad you didn’t tell the
whole world about it, and so will your spouse.
Focus on the positive. To state it
simply, every relationship has good things and bad things. Focusing on the bad
things only blurs the good ones out of your line of sight.
Serve your spouse. All relationships have peaks and valleys.
It’s totally normal to have times that are particularly good and times when
things are just static. During times when I feel static and not head over heels
in love, I ask myself “what have I done for him lately?” “What am I doing to
make this relationship fresh and exciting?” “What am I doing to make him love
me more?” Try to do something special. Write a love note, clean his car, set up
a date, or simply look into his eyes and tell him you love him so much. It’s
amazing how when I change the way I treat him, it automatically changes how I
feel about our relationship.
Set goals together. You are a team and it helps to have common
goals. Talk about your hopes and dreams and then set about to work hard and
realize them. As you work and sacrifice toward the same things it will bring
you closer together and neither partner will feel like they are “doing it
alone.”
Live frugally. It would be naïve to act as if money doesn’t
often cause marital discord. Monetary issues are one of the top three reasons
cited for divorce in the United States. There is a really simple solution to
this: live within your means. Be grateful for the things that you have. If you
focus on how you can work together and save
to achieve your goals it will bless your marriage and help you focus on what is
really important in life. I have loved writing this blog because it constantly
reminds me to simplify and live frugally, which in turn has blessed our
relationship.
Shed your selfishness. If I was going to give only one suggestion
to anyone who was having marital trouble it would be this last one. Put your
spouse first. If you let go of your own wants and needs and seek to meet the
wants and needs of your partner you will be amazed at how your love will grow
and your happiness will multiply.
Even though I am nowhere near
perfect I am willing to work hard every day to make sure that my marriage
succeeds, so now you have a list of the things I work on. I hope that this post
helps someone else to do the same.
If you have any other thoughts on
what makes a marriage work or ideas that have helped you strengthen your
relationships I’d love for you to share in the comments, I am always learning
from your thoughtful responses.
